on this past year
hi, first post!
👋 Hi everyone! I finally had some time to sit down and write my first newsletter. Happy spoopy + Libra season! I figured my first post would be a little catch-up, as I've been quite selectively on/offline these days.
Oh, what a year it's been. A year and a half? Yeah. When I close my eyes and sink into how I felt a year ago—my body tenses, I remember loneliness, isolation, anger. Maybe you've felt that at one point, too.
I quit my job of 5 years in March and took 4.5 months off—the longest I've ever allowed myself to rest, to say no, to resist the internal shouting that work defines my worth, security, and success. I read and finished books by the lake. I gave my dear friends tarot readings. I laid on the floor and cried. I did nothing.
I acknowledged a lot of things that devoured me over the past year. After experiencing harassment on the platform I worked on, I felt disillusioned and hurt. Not even because of the coordinated attacks—but because of the way I felt brushed off by company leaders, the way I was told to ignore it and move on. I did not feel safe or seen. And so, I waited for some stock vesting, and got tf out of there.
When I asked for help covering my out-of-network therapy during the months-long harassment, I was told that the company SHOULD NOT help. My anger at this response was and is valid. But here’s where I’ve landed: Having expectations for such "mission-driven" corporations is no longer something I'll invest in, because capitalism has no need to care for people. This is just how corporations work: everyone is replaceable labor. I can be angry and recognize that yup, corporations are just operating as usual. This is bound to happen when they must hit growth metrics every year, and there is no definition of “enough.” (I also recognize that I have so much privilege working in the tech industry!)
So, I’ve let that part of my life go. I know that I am enough. I can’t say I know exactly where I’m going, but I do know that my energy is best spent towards giving love to those around me, reimagining + regaining autonomy over my labor, and staying in the present.
I’m figuring out how to give myself what I need, knowing that I can’t opt out of capitalism. It’s been 2 months since I started freelancing and I really can’t see myself going back to my old mode of employment anytime soon. I love it here. And I can’t wait to share more of what I’m up to, now that I have so much more creative energy that’s not being spent on corporate despair. 😌